Taking Responsibility: Lovingly Evolve from Victimhood

By Penny Louise

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Here I explore how taking responsibility for our own lives, and freeing ourselves from the confines of victimhood is one of the most transformative and empowering steps you can take to change, embrace life, and experience in ways you never thought was possible.  

Does it ever feel like, when it comes to your mental health and healing journey, you’re going around in circles? Maybe you constantly find yourself in a state of depression, and even when moments of joy arise, they never last long. It’s exhausting—emotionally, physically, and spiritually —to the point where your soul aches and you feel like giving up.

There was a time when I felt exactly like this. And while I won’t claim to always be happy, I now experience emotions—even sadness—differently. I still have hard days, but they no longer carry the weight they once did. I touch on this topic more in how to embrace our emotions, which explores the importance of feeling and holding space for all human emotions in a way that can feel utterly euphoric.

What changed my life was understanding the simple nature of the healing journey. One of the first and most important steps was to come out of the victim mindset and take responsibility for my own life. This is can be the most rewarding and liberating thing you do. 

Spiritual and Philosophical Perspectives on Responsibility

Many spiritual and philosophical traditions emphasise the importance of personal responsibility:

• Buddhism: The concept of karma teaches that our actions have consequences, encouraging mindful living and accountability. Buddhism also stresses the importance of observing your thoughts and actions without judgment. This awareness allows individuals to make intentional choices rather than react impulsively, fostering personal responsibility and reducing suffering.

  
  

• Stoicism: This ancient philosophy urges us to focus on what we can control and accept what we cannot, promoting inner peace and resilience. Stoics like Marcus Aurelius and Epictetus emphasised the importance of taking responsibility for one’s perceptions, actions, and attitudes. By detaching from external outcomes and prioritising virtue, Stoicism teaches us to find empowerment in our responses to life’s challenges.

  
  

• Indigenous Wisdom: Practices like the Medicine Wheel highlight the cyclical nature of life and the need for balance, reflection, and action. The Medicine Wheel teaches that every experience—positive or negative—offers an opportunity for growth. By moving through its quadrants of physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual aspects, individuals can take responsibility for harmonising these areas and fostering holistic well-being.

  
  

• Taoism: The concept of the Tao (“The Way”), Taoism emphasises harmony with the natural flow of life. Personal responsibility in Taoism involves aligning one’s actions with the Tao’s principles of simplicity, humility, and balance. Taoists believe that resistance to life’s flow creates suffering, while accepting and adapting to circumstances with grace fosters peace and resilience. This philosophy encourages individuals to take responsibility by living authentically and in tune with their true nature.

Understanding Victimhood  

We cannot always control the things that happen to us. When we are infants, we have no say in our care. However, coming into adulthood is coming into responsibility. I did not have responsibility for what happened to me, but it is my responsibility to heal myself from those things and make sure I don't pass on my trauma to others.

Our response to what we can't control is within our control. The biggest difference between living as a victim and taking responsibility is in how we carry our experiences and integrate them into our lives.

Many find themselves trapped in a cycle of victimhood, blaming everything external for their circumstances:

• “This always happens to me.” - Belief of recurring misfortune without a reflection of how they’re playing a role.

• “It’s not my fault.” A deflection to avoid accountability.

• “Why does everything bad happen to me?” - A focus on undeserved suffering and negative experiences.

• “If only they had done things differently.” Shifts accountability to others and disempowering yourself.

• “People always take advantage of me.” - Externalises blame, making others into villains giving them a false power without examining your own boundaries or patterns.

• “Life isn’t fair.” Focuses on injustice as an excuse not to move forward.

• “I can’t change; this is just the way I am.” - avoiding growth out of a fear of responsibility.

• “Nobody understands what I’ve been through.” - Creates a barrier to empathy and connection and fosters self-pity.

  
  

I've said these things myself, even as recently as this week. My goal is not to shame you for saying or feeling these things because it is a normal human response. My goal is to show you that change is a possible journey that requires gentle consistency. When you understand and feel the necessity of this change, it feels liberating to know that you do have a say in your own life. 

Escaping this mindset requires a deep commitment to self-awareness, personal accountability, and the courage to go deep within, no matter how scary it is, be honest and rewrite our inner narrative. 

Victimhood is a state of mind where individuals perceive themselves as powerless against life’s challenges. There's a feeling of being utterly exhausted through the bone and to the soul. But I’ve found that it’s not external circumstances that create that exhaustion, it's actually being in the victim mindset that keeps us stuck and often perpetuates the very challenges we are trying to escape.

In this mindset, blame is pointed outward—toward other people, circumstances and the universe's plan. While externalising blame can provide temporary relief, it keeps us stuck, and as a result we are more likely to keep having the same ‘bad’ things happening to us over and over again.

Victimhood can manifest in subtle ways:

• Feeling that life “happens to” us rather than “for” us. 

• Repeatedly recounting past hurts without seeking resolution.

• Avoiding personal accountability for choices and behaviours.

  
  

Victimhood is kept alive in comfort of 'the known', and we all want a comfortable predictable life, even if that comfort isn't working for us. That may be hard to swallow, however it is actually much harder and more damaging to stay a victim. We just don’t realise that until we get out of it and see how easier life is.

The Cost of Staying in Victimhood

Remaining in a victim mindset limits growth, fulfilment and keeps you in a state by which you are more likely to keep experiencing the same patterns. Here are some key ways it holds us back:

1. Emotional Paralysis: Reliving past traumas without resolution and from a victim lens can drain emotional energy, leaving little room for healing or joy.

   
   

2. Weakened Relationships: Blaming others creates walls, making it difficult to build meaningful connections with others in the future.

   
   

3. Stifled Potential: Viewing challenges as insurmountable prevents us from exploring our capabilities and achieving our goals.

   
   

4. Chronic Discontent: A focus on external factors fosters resentment and dissatisfaction, perpetuating a cycle of negativity.

   
   

I acknowledgement that sometimes there are things that really aren’t in our control and bad things do happen to us. But even in those situations, we are responsible for how we process and heal. No one else can fix us—that responsibility is ours alone. When we take ownership of our healing, we prevent the trauma from defining us or being passed on to others.

The Power of Taking Responsibility

Responsibility is not about assigning fault but reclaiming power. Taking responsibility doesn’t mean blaming yourself for everything or believing you’re inherently flawed. This would be more victimhood. Instead, it means acknowledging your role in shaping your experiences. By taking responsibility, we shift from being passive recipients of life to active creators of our reality. 

Key Benefits of Responsibility:

• Empowerment: Recognising our ability to influence outcomes gives you the strength to face challenges head-on.

  
  

• Growth: Self-reflection enables us to learn and evolve. This is critical for the healing journey. How are you supposed to heal unwanted behaviours and patterns if you cannot acknowledge them?

  
  

• Freedom: Letting go of blame liberates us from the emotional weight of resentment and opens up the door from the room we are locking ourselves in.

  
  

Steps to Take Responsibility and Escape Victimhood

1. Cultivate Self-Awareness

   
   

   The first step is recognising when we are in a victim mindset. It’s not to make you feel bad, it is a beautifully honest introspection and a strong willingness to examine our thoughts, emotions, and behaviours. Being present with thoughts can help this process, write down what your mind is saying and read back as a loving observer. Meditation and working with a therapist you connect well with can help uncover patterns of blame and helplessness.

   
   

2. Reframe Your Narrative

   
   

   Shift from viewing yourself as a victim of circumstance to seeing yourself as a human being with a power over your life. For example:

   • When things aren’t working out the way you wanted, instead of saying, “This always happens to me,” try: “What can I learn from this experience?”. If you can do that and evolve from the answer, I can almost guarantee that the situation will be different 'next time'.

     
     

     You can choose to see the universe conspiring for you rather than against you, even in some of the hardest challenges this can brighten your life miraculously. You can even go as far as to ask, “Is my disappointment now a result of my expectation?”, “why did I need it this way in the first place?”. What are the responses? “By not getting what I wanted, maybe this wasn’t for me, which means there is something else that is”.

     
     

   • Replace, “They made me feel this way,” with, “I am responsible for my emotions and reactions.” Understand that no one has the power to make you feel any such way and it is not your responsibility how people respond to you either (which is not obviously an excuse to treat people poorly, but you get my point). Everyone, just like you, is a unique expression of God with their own internal universe. The way you respond to people is a choice.

     
     

3. Own Your Choices

   
   

   Acknowledge that your actions and inactions, big or small, contribute to your current situation. Keep cultivating your self awareness by asking what these could be. This doesn’t mean blaming yourself for everything but understanding yourself and your behaviours.

   
   

   Example: If a relationship ends badly, reflect on your part instead of solely blaming the other person. In my past relationship, even though I had a long list of things he ‘did to me’ I could see the areas in which he was projecting hurt as a result of my behaviour.

   
   

4. Set Boundaries

   
   

   To read more about boundary setting, read here. Boundaries come with growing pains. Often, especially in the beginning, individuals can exert boundaries in inappropriate ways. Boundaries are closely linked to the ability to cultivate self love, they are not set from a place of anger or resentment to others. Taking responsibility includes recognising when to protect yourself, and what you’re comfortable with. We show people how to treat us with our boundaries through gentle and non-aggressive actions and words. If anyone is repelled by your boundaries, that just means that they're working.

   
   

5. Practice Forgiveness

   
   

   Forgiveness is for the sake of your peace. This includes forgiving yourself too. Holding onto anger or regret keeps you tethered to victimhood; releasing these emotions creates space for healing. Do not force yourself to forgive if you are not ready, this only creates guilt. In time you may forgive from a place of love, understanding and work when it feels authentic. Not from arrogance or a need to move on quickly. Be gentle with yourself.

   
   

6. Adopt a Growth Mindset

   
   

   Embrace challenges as opportunities to learn and grow. As mentioned before, if you believe the universe is conspiring against you, you’ll be conspiring against yourself. Viewing setbacks as side steps or opportunities can actually make life exciting. “This is coming up again? What else am I not seeing? Once I have overcome this challenge I will have the tools I need within myself to do this with my life, or free me from this pattern”. 

   
   

7. Be kind to yourself

   
   

   Once you are taking responsibility, do not use this as a way to punish yourself. Observe your responsibility without judgment. Little by little we make our way, not all at once, so be gentle with yourself.

   
   

Example: Transforming Victimhood

Imagine being in a triggering conflict. Instead of reacting, pause and ask yourself:

• What emotions are arising?

• What is my honest role in this?

• What past wounds might this situation be touching on?

• Am I projecting a belief based on the past onto this person?

• What stories am I concluding that may not be true?

• How is my response shaped by unhealed beliefs or patterns?

• Am I choosing to stay in this situation?

By recognising your role and viewing the other person as a human with their own triggers, you create space for empathy and healing.

Challenges and How to Overcome Them

Taking responsibility can be scary, especially if we’ve lived in the comfort of a victim mindset for a long time and are now maybe even insulted that you’re being called a victim. Know that this is a great kindness to yourself to change:

1. Resistance to Change: Change can be uncomfortable. Start small and celebrate successes rather than aiming for perfection.

   
   

2. Fear of Failure: Embrace failure as part of the learning process, understand the spiral of healing. It's not a setback but a side step, and an opportunity to grow next time it comes around. Don’t give up, each time you’re coming at it from a more healed space than the last.

   
   

3. External Judgments: Surround yourself with supportive people who encourage growth. Even if you have friends or family members who wish to stay in their victimhood, that is their choice, you can still have them in your lives, but be adamant not to engage in conversations and behaviours which create a negative cycle.

   
   

4. Self-Doubt: Practice affirmations and mindfulness to build confidence in your ability to create change. Change is possible for everyone.

Conclusion: The Freedom of Responsibility

Taking responsibility for your life is an act of self-liberation. While the journey requires courage, kindness, observation and commitment, the rewards are transformative and life has a new lease of 'play'. Emotional abundance, personal growth, and a profound sense of self-love and empowerment are all gained in taking responsibility.

Remember, life will always present challenges, but how you respond is within your control. By stepping out of victimhood and embracing responsibility, you reclaim the pen to write your story—one of resilience, growth, and peace.

Start Journey

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