People-Pleaser? Here’s Why It’s Time to Set Boundaries Today

Penny Louise
Dec 26, 2024
14 min read

Updated: Feb 12

By Penny Louise

Would you describe yourself as a bit of a people pleaser? Have you ever felt drained after spending time with certain people or guilty for saying no? That feeling isn’t a flaw in you — it’s your inner self signalling the need for boundaries. A lack of boundaries is often coupled with being a ‘people pleaser’. The day I heard a speaker say that people pleasing is essentially a selfish and manipulative act I began to snap out of it. Being a people pleaser does not actually serve the ones your pleasing but least of all yourself.

What Are Boundaries and Why Do They Matter?

The boundaries are limits we set, which define what is acceptable and unacceptable in our interactions with others and ourselves. What are we comfortable allowing into our space from others, coupled with self-love, we can assert boundaries in our own lives to stop self-sabotage. They can apply to time, energy, emotions, and physical space. Healthy boundaries:

Allow us to prioritise our needs without guilt.
Foster respectful, mutual and authentic relationships.
Create a safe environment for personal growth.

Without boundaries, we risk losing ourselves in the demands of others, feeling resentful, and living out of alignment with our true selves.

When I first began my journey of setting boundaries from a place of self-love, I felt like I was constantly apologising for having them. I’d worry about upsetting others or being seen as difficult. But over time, I realised a few things:

People really aren’t thinking about me as much as I think they are.
I feel people admire and respect me (which isn’t even the goal) as a by-proudct when I gently communicate my boundaries or behave in a way that shows that I am comfortable in them. Self assurance is attractive, and boundary setting is a way to achieve this.
I was still able to care deeply about others, but also not care about should someone form an opinion they may or may not form of me if I simply was myself.
I never felt so free and confident. I was in full self-acceptance of who I am.
I still slip out of my boundaries, and that’s ok. The important thing is I’m self aware when it happens and I am loving and gentle with myself.
I didn’t mind if people didn’t want to be in my life. The people who see me, and I align with, are in my life and I don’t mind if others aren’t aligned with me.

Personal Account of Coming into Boundary Setting

We’re all much happier when we’re in flow with life, but not everyone shares the same flow. The people that are for us will be boldly authentic and real based on honesty and a deep love for them, not what they can do for us. That’s what makes relationships so beautiful and magical. The clarity and peace that can be gained is worth every uncomfortable conversation.

One of the biggest shifts came when I started to accept my level of engagement in social interactions. I took all the should and shouldn’t statements out of my vocabulary when referring to myself, for example in social settings; telling myself “I should be more outgoing” or “I shouldn’t be so quiet”. Sometimes I am the most sociable person in the room, other times the quietest and that’s ok. Taking that pressure off myself to be anything other than what I am is such a relief.

All people pleasing acts are a result of wanting to be loved. Acts of service or extending yourself too much is done in order to avoid rejection and convince people that you’re worthy of love, meanwhile, resentment builds because:

Most of the time the person didn’t ask for your help but you’ve put a subconscious condition on doing something for them anyway, and when that condition isn’t met then you build it up and up until you explode or implode.
People don’t know when to stop asking of you because they don’t recognise your boundaries. You show people how to treat you and so if they are used to having their way or receiving from you often, they will continue to expect the same.

Don’t think too badly of these people though, it’s our responsibility too. Chances are that we have all inadvertently ‘taken too much’ from other people pleasers in our lives.

How does people pleasing develop

How People Pleasing Develops

People-pleasing often develops as a coping mechanism in response to environmental, emotional, or psychological factors, especially during formative years. Below are some common ways this behaviour can emerge:

1. Childhood

Parental Expectations: When love is conditional and must be earned by exhibiting good behaviour or completing tasks, the child will learn that love only comes via acts for others and then learns to prioritise others expectations over their own needs.
Emotional Neglect: Coupled with parental expectations, the need to prioritise others and learn that our own needs aren’t important gets internalised when caregivers dismiss a child’s emotions. Don’t pass harsh blame onto the caregivers when reading this. In most cases, this is unconscious behaviour. Remember they are humans too and raising children is difficult. Children are very susceptible and sensitive; the smallest dismissal can create large ripples. Our parents did their best with the information they had at the time and had they known any different, they would likely have done things differently.
Strict Parenting: In the fear of strict or controlling behaviours from parents, children may learn to avoid punishment by suppressing their own desires and needs.
Over-Praising: Environments that reward children for being “good,” “helpful,” or “easygoing” seem like positive parenting skills but can inadvertently reinforce people-pleasing as an identity, especially if they aren’t jointly rewarded for expressing less desirable emotions and actions.
Fear of Rejection: A deep fear of rejection or abandonment can make people prioritise keeping others happy at the cost of themselves. We are tribal animals and being rejected from the tribe means death. This also leads to the conditioning by which people become fearful of being disliked or disappointing others, creating an ideal of perfectionism to strive towards which creates anxiety.
Hyper-vigilance: Those who grow up in unpredictable environments become highly attuned to the emotional state of those around them, learning how best to bring the chaos down or people please as a way to maintain peace.

2. Low Self-Worth

Insecurity: Lack of self-love can develop after childhood also. It results in low self-esteem and so you may have developed the idea that you as you are isn’t enough for others and so you must give in order to provide benefit to others. In exchange we look for validation that we have done enough and therefore are enough, making it a battle for constant validation and acceptance.

4. Cultural and Societal Conditioning

Gender expectations: In many cultures, women are often more likely to be people pleasers as we are assumed or expected to be giving, nurturing and agreeable. If we are seen to be putting ourselves before others we are automatically seen in a bad light. It is generally seen as more socially acceptable for women to take up less space.
Cultural Expectations: Some cultural, religious or spiritual teachings emphasise selflessness or sacrifice, leading individuals to feel guilty for asserting their own needs but this is generally a misunderstood concept.

Healing through self-awareness is crucial. To understand how we develop behavioural patterns can be the biggest part of undoing them.

Setting Boundaries: The Foundation of Self-Love and Inner Peace

"Boundaries aren’t walls. They’re the bridges we build to honour both ourselves and others."

Selflessness and constant availability appears to be much more favoured in this world, and so setting boundaries can feel like a rebellious act which, especially when learning to use them, often results in them being communicated out of anger or resentment rather than self-love and love for others.

What I see in my practice when people begin to assert boundaries, they can fall into these traps:

There is a resentment - feeling of injustice and anger which is misplaced onto people in our lives.
They can tell instead of show people what their boundaries are aggressively which unnecessarily pushes people away because it’s not real boundary setting.
They over explain and apologise for boundaries.
They don’t really know what their boundaries are yet so the boundaries change and it’s hard to be consistent.
They slip in and out of people pleasing as is normal when developing new behaviours.

I maintain strongly throughout my work that most healing and behavioural breaks naturally occur as a by-product of achieving self-love.

Good and Bad Examples of Boundary Setting

Sometimes when you start setting boundaries, it can fill like you’re the only person in the world who has them and they are so empowering that everyone better watch out if they dare cross them. I’ve certainly come across people who act this way.

Part of having healthy boundaries is realising that other people have boundaries too, and we need to respect them. We aren’t mind readers, so we can’t expect others to read ours. Boundaries are not an excuse to control others or give license for ill-behaviour. We can show others how we wish to be treated but others are under no obligation to do so. It is then part of boundary setting to either peacefully and lovingly walk away or find a compromise with people in our lives. Don’t be angry with someone who doesn’t know your boundaries. I have seen far too often people setting boundaries with unnecessarily aggression. Here are two examples of boundary setting:

Aggressive

The following example is could be from resentment over years of people pleasing and seeing the negative effects on them.

“Hey, I’ve realised I’ve been way too available for everyone, and I need to set some boundaries. I can’t keep saying yes to things all the time. It’s exhausting. Honestly, I feel like you don’t really think about how much you ask of me, and it’s not fair. From now on, I’m just going to say no to things that don’t work for me.”

What’s Wrong Here:

Misplaced Burden of Responsibility: Until you’ve communicated a boundary, it is not necessarily someones fault for crossing it.
Tone and Delivery: The tone is defensive and accusatory, which could make the other person feel attacked or blamed. This shuts down the possibility of constructive dialogue.
No Acknowledgment of the Relationship: There’s no effort to affirm the value of the relationship, which could make the other person feel undervalued or dismissed.
Lack of Specificity: The vague language (“too available for everyone,” “things that don’t work for me”) doesn’t give the other person a clear understanding of the boundary or how it applies to them.
No Room for Dialogue: The approach feels final and leaves no space for mutual understanding or compromise.
Focus on Blame: By stating that the other person doesn’t think about their actions, the speaker shifts responsibility entirely onto them, potentially creating defensiveness or resentment.

How the Other Person Might Feel:

Confused about what they’ve done wrong.
Defensive or resentful because of the accusatory tone.
Hurt, believing the relationship is less important to the speaker than it actually is.
Frustrated by the lack of clarity or opportunity to engage in the conversation.

Healthy Communication of Boundary

“Hey, I wanted to have an open and honest conversation with you about something that’s been on my mind. Our relationship means a lot to me, and I value the connection we have. That’s why it’s important for me to share this with you. Lately, I’ve been working on taking better care of myself, and part of that means setting some boundaries. This isn’t about pushing you away or changing how much I care about you, it’s about creating the space I need to show up as my best self, both for me and for the people I care about.For example, I’ve realised that I sometimes say ‘yes’ to things even when I want to say ‘no’. Moving forward, I might need to take a bit more time to think before committing to plans or requests. I know this is a shift, and I want to reassure you that it’s not about me wanting distance from you. It’s about learning to honour my own needs while still showing up for our relationship. I hope this makes sense, and I’d love to hear your thoughts. I want us to be able to talk openly about this and make sure you feel heard too.”

Why this is good:

Acknowledges the Relationships Importance: There are two people in any relationship, and whilst we may feel heightened because of lack of boundaries, we need to remember there is another perspective at play. By starting with an acknowledgement of the value of the relationship, we reassure the other person that the boundary isn’t a rejection of them.
Explains the Purpose: Framing the boundary as self-care rather than a withdrawal or a way to attack or blame them for their behaviour, it helps the other person understand that this is about our growth, not a reflection of their worth.
Invites Dialogue: Asking for their input shows that we care about maintaining the relationship and are open to hearing their perspective.

It’s common to second-guess our boundaries in the beginning and we might not get them right the first time. There may be an adjustment period, however, what’s important to remember is that if we’ve reflected and connected to how we feel and we are sure, it’s normal for there to be some people who are uncomfortable with it and so might argue against it. We don’t need to convince anyone of what our needs are; it’s not your business if they choose to accept it or not, the only thing you can control is how you respond. If the relationship is meant to be, we won’t need to convince someone.

Types of Boundaries

Understanding the different types of boundaries is useful to identifying where they’re needed:

Physical Boundaries: Relate to your personal space and physical well-being. Example: Declining a hug if you’re uncomfortable. We don’t have to declare this as a boundary in an aggressive way in order to exert it, you can simply say with a smile (if you’re feeling it): “I’m not comfortable with receiving a hug right now, but I do really appreciate the gesture.”
Emotional Boundaries: Protect your feelings and energy. Example: Choosing not to engage in emotionally draining conversations. This might be in a group setting and you choose to excuse yourself or it may be a one-on-one conversation.

There may be a situation where someone is ‘trauma dumping’ which is where someone is sharing intense personal trauma in an unstructured or unsolicited way that can overwhelm the listener. Whilst we want to be compassionate, if you feel within you that you cannot take on someone else in the moment that’s ok too. It doesn’t mean you can’t in the future but perhaps you’ve had a long hard day yourself, you’d be doing them a disservice by not showing up for them in this way. You can politely say:

“I can see that this is weighing heavily on your heart and you need support, however I don’t have it in me to hold the space you need and I think you could benefit more so if you speak to someone who is trained to give the advice that I’m not able to.”

“I understand you’re going through a lot right now, and I want to be there for you when I can give you my full attention. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed today and need some time to recharge so I can show up for you properly. Can we revisit this conversation tomorrow?”

Remember, you don’t have to feel guilty for not being there for someone if you’re not able. If you’re trying to be there for someone when you don’t want to or don’t have the strength, ask yourself if forcing to do so is just so that they continue to think you’re a good person? You can be there for someone more so by admitting you’re not the right person to help which is true selflessness and self-love.

Mental Boundaries: Involve your thoughts, beliefs, and intellectual space. Example: Respecting differing opinions without feeling pressured to conform. If you’re fully cultivating self-love, someone’s opinions should be of no consequence to you therefore you love yourself and them enough to respect everyones right to an opinion. It is an empowering and strongly self-aware boundary to hear others without judgement, see how it feels in the body and decide if you are aligned. You can still maintain strong relationships with people with differing opinions and often, these differences can strengthen a relationship.
Spiritual Boundaries: Relate to your values and connection with yourself or a higher power. Example: Setting aside time for meditation or prayer. This is another form of self-love too - when you have self-love, you can prioritise time for yourself to do the things your body and soul needs.

Common Challenges in Setting Boundaries

Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you’re used to people pleasing or avoiding conflict. Some challenges include:

Fear of Rejection: Worrying that others will be upset or distance themselves. Rather than fear that others will be uncomfortable with the changes your making, you can lovingly accept that it is a likelihood. You don’t need to dramatically push people out of your lives (or maybe you do) but you can also have open conversations.
Guilt: Feeling selfish for prioritising your needs. Sometimes it’s helpful to play the role reversal game. If someone you loved felt guilty for the same thing you’re going through, would you tell them they needn’t feel guilty? If the answer is yes then you should apply the same to yourself. You are worthy of the same space you give others. It’s really as simple as that.
Uncertainty: Not knowing how to communicate boundaries effectively. This is normal and may take practice. If you feel you didn’t get the boundary right this time, or maybe you gave in against your word, that’s ok. Be kind to yourself; you noticed the boundary being broken - next time you will do better. It’s hard getting to know ourselves and changing our behaviours enough without us expecting it to go perfectly every time. Keep up the commitment, keep up the self-awareness and keep going! If you let it, it can be a beautiful journey of getting to know yourself, how you respond and refining your boundaries so that you can live the life you want to.

Steps to Identify Where Boundaries Are Needed

Reflect on Your Feelings: Notice when you feel resentment, frustration, or exhaustion. These emotions often point to areas where boundaries are lacking. You can do some inner child work to really get to know your needs again and retrain your ability to hear yourself when you have a need that’s not being filled.
Identify Your Values: Clarify what matters most to you. This will guide the boundaries you set. Notice how you respond to certain situations, journal on what feels right. Get to know yourself but don’t be rigid and limit yourself to forever statements. Sometimes your views and boundaries may change as your personal development grows.
Assess Your Relationships: Evaluate whether your interactions leave you feeling energised or drained. Healthy relationships respect your limits and amplify you in them. The people around you have a heavy impact.
Define Your Limits: Be specific about what behaviours or situations you will and won’t tolerate. If you can’t think of any or not sure, you can notice throughout the day and through situations by being present in the moments and taking time to notice your impulse responses based on past programming. Were you comfortable with how that situation made you feel?

Practical Tips for Setting and Maintaining Boundaries

Communicate Clearly: Use "I" statements to express your needs without blaming others. Example: "I need some quiet time to recharge after work.” Take some responsibility and don’t project onto others.
Start Small: Practice setting boundaries in less intimidating situations to build confidence.
Be Consistent: Reinforce your boundaries calmly and firmly when they’re tested.
Seek Support: Share your boundary-setting journey with trusted friends, a therapist, or a coach for encouragement and accountability. If you’re not keeping your boundaries, then why?
Practice Self-Compassion: Remember that setting boundaries is a skill that takes time to master. Be kind to yourself as you navigate this process.

The Benefits of Healthy Boundaries

Setting boundaries doesn’t just protect you — it builds self love and improves life:

Enhanced Relationships: Boundaries encourage mutual respect and understanding, strengthening your connections.
Increased Self-Worth: By prioritising your needs, you affirm your value. Every time you say yes to yourself and your needs, you teach yourself that you’re worthy.
Inner Peace: Boundaries create a sense of safety and alignment, reducing stress and overwhelm.
Personal Growth: They free up energy to focus on your goals and passions.

Make the Change Today

Are you ready to take the first step toward a more balanced and fulfilling life? Start by reflecting on one area where you need stronger boundaries. Then, commit to taking action this week.

If you’re looking for personalised support, I’m here to help. Through hypnotherapy, we can explore the beliefs and patterns that hold you back from setting boundaries and empower you to create a life of harmony and self-respect. Book a session today to begin your journey.

Remember, setting boundaries isn’t about shutting others out. It’s about inviting them to meet you in a space of mutual respect and love. When you honour your needs, you create the freedom to live authentically and thrive. Your peace is your power — claim it.

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