How Attachment to Expectations Are Secretly Sabotaging Your Joy (And What to Do About It)

By Penny Louise

We've always been let down when things don't go to plan right? Not getting that job, a relationship that fell apart, or a goal that slipped through your fingers. We’ve all been there.

Here’s the hard truth: our expectations are the root of our suffering. Expectations create a mental blueprint of how we think life should be. But life rarely follows our plans. When reality doesn’t match our expectations, we feel frustration, disappointment, and even pain. The problem isn’t life itself—it’s the expectations we attach to it.

We expect that we won't get sick, that our loved ones will never die, that when we love someone they will love us back, that we won't lose our jobs.

In this post, we’ll explore how expectations limit us, why they cause suffering, and how embracing impermanence and change can set us free. By the end, you’ll have a new perspective on how to live with more joy, appreciation, and peace. Let’s dive in.

How Expectations Limit You

Expectations are like invisible chains. It may feel like we are thinking big sometimes and wanting the best for ourselves, but can you imagine that even that is limiting?

As an example from myself, I engage often with new modalities and I like to play with new meditation techniques. Every time I do a new modality or meditation - magic happens, but if I repeat the same practice, I have to be so careful to let go of expectations based on the first time I did it - because I expect the same thing to happen again and I sometimes consciously try to repeat experiences.

And what about when we expect everything to go wrong because we've attached ourselves to an identity based on limiting beliefs? They limit our potential, stifle our creativity, and keep us stuck in rigid patterns of thinking.

For example:

• If you expect perfection, you’ll never take risks.

• If you expect others to meet your needs, no one can live up to it and you’ll never learn to rely on yourself.

• If you expect life to be easy, you’ll crumble at the first sign of difficulty.

  
  

Expectations also rob us of joy. When we’re so focused on how things should be, we fail to appreciate how they are. A sunset isn’t beautiful because it meets our expectations—it’s beautiful because it exists.

Expectations are a form of control. And the more we try to control life, the more it slips through our fingers. The key is to let them go and be in the flow of life. To embrace uncertainty without imposing our demands on it.

Why Expectations Cause Suffering

Expectations and suffering are two sides of the same coin. When we expect things to go a certain way, we’re essentially saying, “This is the only acceptable outcome.” But life rarely delivers on our demands.

Here’s why:

1. Expectations create attachment. We become so attached to a specific outcome that we can’t handle anything else.

   
   

2. Expectations increases the chances for disappointment. When reality doesn’t match our expectations, we feel let down.

   
   

3. Expectations blind us to the present. We’re so focused on the future that we miss the beauty of the here and now.

   
   

The Buddha taught that suffering arises from attachment. And what are expectations if not a form of attachment? We attach ourselves to ideas, outcomes, and people, and when they don’t meet our expectations, we suffer.

The solution is to practice non-attachment. Let go of the attachment to the outcome you have created an expectation out of. This doesn’t mean you stop caring or stop striving. It simply means you let go of the need for things to be a certain way. You accept life as it is, not as you think it should be.

Embracing Impermanence and Change

The only constant in life is change and that is the law of impermanence. Nothing stays the same—not our relationships, not our careers, not even our own bodies. Yet, we often expect life to be stable and predictable.

This expectation is at odds with reality. When we resist change, we create unnecessary suffering. But when we embrace it, we find freedom.

Here’s how to start:

1. Accept impermanence. Remind yourself that everything is temporary—the good and the bad.

   
   

2. Let go of control. Trust that life has its own rhythm and flow.

   
   

3. Find joy in the present. Instead of focusing on how things should be, appreciate them for how they are.

   
   

When we stop expecting life to be static, we open ourselves to its natural ebb and flow. We see life as play and us, players in it, experiencing life with curiosity.

Expectations Are the Killer of Joy

Expectations don’t just cause suffering—they also kill joy. When we’re so focused on how things should be, we miss the beauty of how they are.

Have you ever been so caught up in planning a day out or a holiday that you forgot to enjoy it? Or so focused on project or goal that you didn’t celebrate the journey? Maybe even when you reach a goal, you're quickly moving on to the next expectation.

Joy exists in the present moment. It’s found in the small, unexpected things. Let yourself be surprised with the curiosity and the freedom in saying "I don't know".

The antidote is gratitude. How can we feel appreciation when we think we are owed something? Instead of expecting life to be a certain way, appreciate it for what it is and chose to see blessings in the joy life gives you and but also the teachings in suffering. Find joy in the imperfections, the surprises, and the unpredictability.

Conclusion

Expectations are a double-edged sword. They give us a sense of control and a false sense of safety. Perhaps if we didn't have the expectation to begin with we wouldn't experience the lack of safety when things don't go to plan. Allow yourself to cultivate your own trust and safety in yourself.

The key is to let go, every single time. To embrace impermanence, accept change, and find beauty in the present moment.

When we release our expectations, we open ourselves to life’s infinite possibilities. Allow things to happen beyond our limited views.

So, the next time you feel suffering, maybe someone behaves in a way that doesn't align with how you expect to be treated, ask yourself:

• Was it life that let me down, or my expectations?

• What expectation of mine caused me suffer?

And then, take a deep breath, let go, and embrace the freedom of letting go of attachments to outcomes.

What’s one expectation you’re ready to let go of?

Start your Journey Now