Triggered? Good. It’s Your Fault—Here’s Why That’s the Best News Ever: How to Respond, Not React.

Introduction

Hands up, who has ever been hurt by someone? Maybe it was a comment, an action, a gesture we perceived as offensive, or even a simple glance. In that moment, it felt like they made you feel angry, hurt, or defensive. But here’s the truth: no one can make you feel anything.

Honestly, this is one of the hardest things I've had to practice and understanding this method has helped me every time I get triggered.

The way we respond to others is a choice—one that’s deeply rooted in our own emotional landscape. When someone triggers us, they’re not creating our emotions; they’re simply touching an existing wound and then we attach a story to that. We have the power to respond rather than react.

In this post, we’ll explore how to navigate emotional triggers with wisdom and grace. Drawing from ancient traditions and modern psychology, we’ll break down the S-E-W framework (Sensation, Emotion, Want) inspired by Dr. Julia Colwell, and learn how to transform reactive patterns into mindful responses to help us navigate within relationships with our friends and loved ones.

This method can turn a lifetimes worth of arguments with loved ones into better connection and resolution. Let’s dive in.

The Difference Between Reacting and Responding

Reacting is an automatic response. It’s a knee-jerk explosion of anger, the defensive snap-back, or the silent withdrawal. It’s what happens when we’re on autopilot, and unable to look within and be present with how we feel. It's driven by unconscious emotions, past traumas and past conditioning.

Responding, on the other hand, is intentional. It’s the pause between stimulus and action. It’s the moment where we choose how to engage, rather than being swept away by our emotions and go on the defence or attack.

The key difference lies in awareness. When we react, we’re often unaware of what’s driving our behaviour and what's really going on inside.

Some who do inner work might recognise that they have been triggered and even what that trigger is - but still react from it. When we respond instead, we’re fully present, grounded, in control and use this as an opportunity to look at healing that trigger.

Think of it like this: Reacting is like being caught in a storm, tossed around by the wind and waves. Responding is like standing on solid ground, watching and waiting for the storm pass without being swept away.

The first step to responding rather than reacting is seeing the trigger for what it is, and then recognising that we have a choice. No one can make us feel anything. Our emotions are ours to own and navigate.

If someone insults us directly to our face, we can chose to laugh because we chose not identify with it, or we can allow it to trigger a false belief about our identity.

The S-E-W Framework: Sensation, Emotion, Want - For relationships

Julia Colwell’s S-E-W framework offers a powerful tool for understanding and navigating our emotional triggers within conscious relationships. Here’s how it works:

1. Sensation: When you're feeling triggered by the words or actions of someone in your life. The first thing you’ll notice is a physical sensation. It might be a tightness in your chest, a knot in your stomach, or a rush of heat to your face. These sensations are your body’s way of signalling that pain inside. Communicate to your partner: I'm feeling this in my body. This is not arguable and it's acknowledging your truth. "I'm feeling a tightness in my stomach"

   
   

2. Emotion: Next, you’ll experience an emotion. This could be anger, sadness or fear. The key here is to name the emotion without judgment. Instead of saying, “I’m so angry!” and ESPECIALLY NOT "YOU made me angry". Instead try, “I notice I’m feeling anger.” This subtle shift creates space between you and the emotion. It refrains from assigning blame and invoking a defensive response from your partner and instead opens an opportunity for sharing what you're experiencing rather than the story.
   

3. Want: Finally, you’ll notice a want or desire. This is where you communicate your desired outcome of the trigger rather than getting stuck in the conflict. "I want to feel...", "I want for us to resolve this by..."

   
   

By breaking down your experience into these three components, you create a roadmap for mindful responding. Instead of being swept away by your emotions, you can pause, observe, and choose how to act.

How to Pause and Choose Your Response

The secret to responding rather than reacting lies in the pause. Here’s how to create that pause in the heat of the moment:

1. Breathe: When you feel triggered, take a deep breath. This simple act activates your parasympathetic nervous system, calming your body and mind.
   

2. Notice: Tune into your body and emotions. What sensations are you feeling? What emotions are present? What do you want in this moment? Can you identify what the trigger is and where it comes from?
   

3. Choose: Once you’ve created space, ask yourself, “How do I want to respond?” This is where your power lies. Are you projecting a trigger onto someone? Do you want to respond from a place of how you trauma has dictated your beliefs or do you want to respond from a healed place? Take your time, if you need space to gather your thoughts and feelings, do so - but make sure if it's someone you want to keep in your life that you let them know when you will return. You can choose to speak your truth with kindness, decide that this is not something to be upset about but do the work to understand and release why you were and either set a boundary, or simply walk away.

   
   

Remember, the goal isn’t to suppress your emotions or pretend everything is fine. It’s to honour your feelings while choosing a response that aligns with your values and intentions. Choose to see this as an opportunity to see what you need to heal. It may even be as simple as a call to self-love.

Healing the Wounds Beneath the Triggers

When someone triggers you, they’re not creating your emotions—they’re touching an existing wound. These wounds often stem from past experiences, unmet needs, or deeply held beliefs.

For example, if you feel hurt when someone criticises you, it might be because you have a wound around rejection or not being good enough. The criticism isn’t the problem; it’s the old pain it’s touching.

The key to healing these wounds is self-awareness and self-compassion. Here’s how to start:

1. Identify the wound: What’s the underlying belief or fear behind your reaction? Can you recall the first time you felt this way? What happened?

2. Acknowledge the pain: Allow yourself to feel the emotions without judgment and take the time you need.

3. Reframe the story: Challenge the belief that’s driving your reaction. Is the story I'm telling myself from this true? For example, instead of “I’m not good enough,” try “I’m everything I can, and that’s more than enough.”

   
   

As you heal these wounds, you’ll find that you’re less easily triggered and more able to respond with grace and compassion. You may even be able to say "Thank you! Thank you helping me heal!"

I use this method often with clients in a hypnotherapy session to help guide this healing clearly.

Conclusion

Responding rather than reacting is a skill—one that takes practice, patience, and self-awareness. By using the S-E-W framework, creating a pause, and healing the wounds beneath our triggers, we can transform our relationships and our lives.

Remember, no one can make you feel anything. Your emotions are yours to own and navigate. And in every moment, you have the power to choose how you respond.

So, the next time you feel triggered, take a deep breath, tune into your body and emotions, and choose a response that aligns with your highest self.

Start your Journey Today